Month: April, 2015
Now that I look back, on my journey to boudoir, I can’t remember a time where I didn’t dream about being a bold and beautiful woman. I can’t remember a time where I did not look at women and revel at their beauty. I believe I came into this world to create, connect and inspire women in ways that I don’t fully understand yet, but slowly but surely I am getting there.
My journey to boudoir has taken years and many sleepless nights with me wondering how. How am I going to change peoples lives, how do I connect more women with who they really are, and how do I make a living doing this.
Photography for me has always been about impact and if I am not proud of what I do, who I work with, and what I am creating than what is the f****ing point. I can shoot pretty girls in pretty clothes for magazines, I can shoot commercial campaigns that sells a product, I can photograph famous people living their fancy lives and showing off their fancy things, but who does that serve? How does that make this world a better place? And when it’s all over and I look back on my life, would I be happy with the path I chose. The answer has always been no.
My journey to boudoir was as natural as could be. I want to work with real women, the everyday heroes that are striving daily just like I am to be bold, to be brave and to live a life I am proud of. I get to create images for women that will be cherished for lifetimes. I get to inspire women to love themselves a little more than they did when they walked in the door. It’s not everything I came into this world to do, but it’s a start and we all have to start somewhere.
Here you go, the lovely Mercedes Javid from the Shahs of Sunset. I have yet to see the episode from last night from our shoot, hopefully I’ll have time tonight to catch it. I’m so excited to finally be able to post this photo from the shoot. I would LOVE to be able to post all of them, but I cant. Bummer… They are all so beautiful.
I’ve never been one to hold on to a lot of baggage. I made a decision at an early age that I would tackle anything that confronted me, threatened my existence, or prevented me from living an authentic life. I spent many years looking backwards into my past, and taking it out on my future. I dug deep to peel away layers and get face to face with my insecurities. I thought I had put them to bed, said goodnight and that I had gone on to dream about my new wonderful life.
Those lovely little voices always seem to come back with a vengeance. Over the last month, some really confronting things have occurred. I seem to have found undiscovered areas of my life where I have yet to let go. Those thoughts and feelings that I had squashed years ago, have slowly made their way up from the muddy ocean floor to the surface. Now they are smashing me in the face breaking me down.
These are some rough waters and to be honest, I’m not sure how to navigate them just yet. There are really only two choices. I can either figure out a way to swim though, or drown. I don’t give up. I don’t ever give up. It’s just not in my constitution. I guess I have my father to thank for that. My father showed me how to be thick-skinned, how to fight, how to win, and how to be brave. My dad was one tough dude. He claims that he never lost a fight. My dad was the type of guy who would say he never went looking for problems, yet somehow they always found him. I always thought that was funny. It never really made sense to me and when people say that, I just laugh, because it’s makes no flippin’ sense.
It means that you are not responsible for what you attract into your life and I just can’t get behind that notion.
My parents divorced when I was little. It was bad. There was horrible fighting. When my dad got mad, it was like seeing a raging bull running at a matador as if his life depended on it. When I think of my father being mad, I can see steam coming out of his ears. Quite a few events occurred throughout these very important subconscious-forming years that have shaped who I am today. They have shown their strong hold on me from time to time, but now… Now that I am finally in the relationship I have always wanted with the man I have always dreamed about, my daddy issues are back. Not only are they back but they have come to win, and I can’t have that. Here are three interesting facts about your subconscious mind that you should know.
1. Its sole purpose is to protect you and keep you safe. This evolutionary state brings about the fight or flight response. Every meaning you assigned to events and situations as a child was based on this postulate.
2. It has the cognitive level of a young child. Your subconscious mind has the mental capacity of a young child between the ages of 2 and 8. You are protected by a child!
3. It runs 95% of your daily life! Last but not least, your subconscious runs 95% of your daily life. On average, you are using your conscious mind only 5% of the time. Yet, don’t you expect 100% results of what you set out to accomplish? So there you go, your life is run by a scared child 95% of the time. Crazy shit, right?
I starting seeing a therapist this week so I can get to the bottom of this nonsense. I am here on this planet to learn, grow and evolve as much as I possibly can. I’m going to tackle any obstacle in my way,
I’m going to climb every scary mountain I can and I will push through every wave that knocks me down.
Failure will be involved. That is clear. I will get knocked down, but I am going to get back up every time because every time I get up I’m stronger than I was before. I have learned more from my failures than I ever did from my “wins.”
I know this is a long share but my message here is that we are human, and we have to stop making ourselves feel wrong for things that have happened to us in the past. If we don’t, they will rule our lives till we lay down and die. We have to forgive ourselves, we have to love ourselves. I believe that we have tell that scared child daily that we ARE good enough, we are smart enough and that we deserve to be loved!
I share this story to hopefully inspire you to look deeper. Nobody has it all figured out. There is always room to grow and to learn new things about yourself. As long as we remain students, the more the universe will show us.
Letting go is a daily practice and it is up to us to notice the things in our life that do not serve us, do not help us and may hold us back. We need to release such people, thoughts, emotions, and ways of being on a regular basis. We need to set it all free so WE can be free!
Every now and then I get this itch to. This strange itch to ignore everything I am doing and say f** it, I want to create something cool. It’s usually around the time I have a million things I have to do, especially on like a day like today. A day where I have over 100 photos to retouch.
I should probably walk about from the computer and take a break, but instead I go on a 2 hours mission to make some photo art. I will probably be up till crazy hours anyways and now I have something something special to take away from today.
I’ve had this image in my head for a long time, so I’m happy I finally did. I’m pretty in LOVE with it. I see a series coming!